Depression can be addicting. We grow accustomed to our negative thinking patterns. Something in us enjoys chastising ourselves for every little mistake. We don’t know any other way to deal with pain besides feeding it. We don’t want to deal with the world, so we close ourselves off. It becomes instinct.
Some part of us wants healing. We know life is miserable and that it can be better. But depression can become what we know, and we can’t imagine life without it. So we refuse help because we don’t really want it.
This is a hard position to be in. I’ve been in it before, and it took me coming to a place where I wanted help more than I didn’t want help before I finally spoke up. If you find yourself not wanting help, pray that you would want help during those moments when you feel desperate. Pray something like, “God, so much of me doesn’t want help, but I want to want it. Please help me to want help.”
Keep praying that prayer. Never stop. A few years from now, you may be pleasantly surprised at the result.